expectations
"Dating has been the sad, small experience that I always remembered it to be. Pretty girls with amusingly high expectations, and not quite as pretty girls with yet still higher ones...Sometimes I find find myself out with a girl, and halfway through the "date", I find myself just so annoyed, and wondering "WTF am I even doing here?". I think: "this girl will never really 'get' me, and I will never really 'get' her, and why the hell should I anyway?"
When i read these words this morning, I thought that it was self-defeatist. I thought, there are millions of people in the world who have this ability to go out, connect, be normal, have a life, live a dream.
Then I realized I wasn't any further along than he is. I read those words over and over. Realized that connection is relative. I've felt that annoyance. I know that feeling because the more i open up to people, the less i feel like i can control it, the less i feel like they don't "get" it.
It's a daily occurance that I chat with a few friends and debate what life is worth to us. Sooner or later, it will be par for the course that i will inadvernently try to find a reason to stop dating, find a reason that no one needs to know what is going on, a reason why I should be alone.
And so it comes back to the earlier statement, "WTF am i even doing here?"
But this is part of what has recently become, once again, a part of what I have become.
Yes, my therapist says that we are more than our diagnoses, but she also knows how personal and how safe I keep them. I keep them in my heart, save them from the world, from destruction.
Dating is hard. Dating is harder than before. Before, it was quirky. I was moody and foreboding. I was punk rock, I was emo. I was my soundtrack.
Dating is hard. I go back and forth. I think in black and white. I call it all-or-nothing. I'm supposed to say something about how "things" affect me.
All of you will nod your heads at this. You will say, hmmm...that's our girl. She has her own page in the DSM-IV
http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/psychology/781/bpd-dsm.htm
"You cannot have your childhood."
What can i have, then?
"You can have right now. You can start from nothing. You have nothing to lose. The only way you fail is if you take that last step off the bridge."
So what the fuck am i doing here, anyway.
When i read these words this morning, I thought that it was self-defeatist. I thought, there are millions of people in the world who have this ability to go out, connect, be normal, have a life, live a dream.
Then I realized I wasn't any further along than he is. I read those words over and over. Realized that connection is relative. I've felt that annoyance. I know that feeling because the more i open up to people, the less i feel like i can control it, the less i feel like they don't "get" it.
It's a daily occurance that I chat with a few friends and debate what life is worth to us. Sooner or later, it will be par for the course that i will inadvernently try to find a reason to stop dating, find a reason that no one needs to know what is going on, a reason why I should be alone.
And so it comes back to the earlier statement, "WTF am i even doing here?"
But this is part of what has recently become, once again, a part of what I have become.
Yes, my therapist says that we are more than our diagnoses, but she also knows how personal and how safe I keep them. I keep them in my heart, save them from the world, from destruction.
Dating is hard. Dating is harder than before. Before, it was quirky. I was moody and foreboding. I was punk rock, I was emo. I was my soundtrack.
Dating is hard. I go back and forth. I think in black and white. I call it all-or-nothing. I'm supposed to say something about how "things" affect me.
All of you will nod your heads at this. You will say, hmmm...that's our girl. She has her own page in the DSM-IV
http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/psychology/781/bpd-dsm.htm
"You cannot have your childhood."
What can i have, then?
"You can have right now. You can start from nothing. You have nothing to lose. The only way you fail is if you take that last step off the bridge."
So what the fuck am i doing here, anyway.
posted by edna stinowski at 8:48 AM
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